Monday, 28 December 2009
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High Fives Totally F**cking Rule
In this modern world, where technology such as the internet and cellular telephones have slowly robbed us of physical connection, it is easy to succumb to feelings of malaise and alienation. Such is the postmodern condition.
But fuck all that noise. You know what rules? High Fives. More Here...
Monday, 07 December 2009
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Hamburgers are Amazing
I’m not what you’d call a fine food aficionado. I’ve never had escargot, pan-seared salmon makes me want to puke, and when I take a sip of wine I make a face like I just got punched in the dick.
That being said, I do know something tasty when I taste it. You know what’s almost always tasty? Hamburgers.
My apologies for all of our vegetarian readers, but I think the good old-fashioned Hamburger warrants himself a rate in this space. I’m a meat eater, and I have been a meat eater (with one ill-advised hiatus) since I was born. When I look back over my history of meat-eating, I think I have ingested one meat in particular the most.
Ground Beef. My favorite form to ingest ground beef is Hamburgers. So there you have it, I think I have eaten more hamburgers in my life than other type of food.
It’s not just the frequency of hamburgers to stomach; it’s more than that. Think about it, when’s the last time you had a bad hamburger? I don’t know about you, but I can’t really remember a time when I’ve had a bad hamburger. Sure, I can remember some hamburgers that are better than others, but not a single one has been “bad”. Even frozen hamburgers from fast food joints taste delicious. Even hamburgers in other countries are serviceable. It’s the one food that you can’t fuck up. Always a safe bet wherever you may be eating.
Not only are hamburgers almost universally delicious, they are usually always one of the cheapest things on the menu. They are an affordable option for those of us on a tight budget. My ideal hamburger price is free, my usual hamburger price is 8 dollars, my manageable hamburger price is 10 dollars, and I don’t go to places that are nicer than that. Even if you somehow get sucked into a restaurant where a hamburger costs 12 dollars, the hamburger is still cheaper than just about anything else that that restaurant has. And if said restaurant has the gall to be charging 12 bucks for a hamburger, at least take solace in the fact that it ought to be a damn good hamburger.
Not to mention, Hamburgers are also the food of choice at perhaps my favorite warm weather activity, outdoor BBQ’s.
So thank you, noble cows, and thank you noble machine that grinds cow innards into easily moldable meat, and thank you noble grill or pan that turns said meat into my hamburger. You have performed admirably in my eyes, and more importantly my stomach for the past 23 odd years. Here’s hoping for many happy returns.
How 'bout it couchsters, let's hear it for the hamburger...
Sunday, 06 December 2009
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Germs.
I have a confession to make.
I rarely wash my hands.
Not before preparing or handling food, not after using the bathroom, not before and after helping someone who is sick, not after blowing my nose, coughing, or sneezing, not after handling an animal or animal waste, not after handling garbage, and certainly not before and after treating a cut. More Here...
Wednesday, 02 December 2009
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I Kinda Feel Bad For Tiger Woods
Look, I get it. Tiger Woods is a public figure, and as a result of being a public figure he puts himself in a position of intense scrutiny. I understand. But c'mon could we give the guy a break?
So he probably had a few affairs over the years. He's not the only one. Bill Clinton, David Letterman, there is even widespread evidence that suggests Martin Luther King had a few affairs in his day.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that it is ok or excusable for you to cheat on your spouse or significant other. That's really for you and your partner to decide. My problem is that in Tiger Woods' case, he's not really been given the chance to sort things out in a quiet, rational matter with his wife.
Picture this. You and your lady have a fight because she's found some questionable text messages on your cell phone. There is some shouting, some door slamming, and finally for the benefit of all parties, you decide to get out of the house.
It's dark out, and you've been crying a little bit. Not to mention you're dealing with some pretty heavy shit here, so you're mind is understandably elsewhere. You get behind the wheel and step on it. You've just got to go somewhere, anywhere.
You're not paying attention and you smash into a fire hydrant and then a tree. You bash your head on the steering wheel. Next thing you know you're in the hospital.
Shit.
If this happened to you or me, no big deal. We'd have to tell our friends, relatives, maybe neighbors, but it'd blow over pretty quick. We could lie, say we weren't fighting, say everything was fine, just fell asleep at the wheel or something. Easy.
But if you're Tiger Woods, it's the start of a nightmare. Over the next few days there are pictures of you with the other woman. There's a phone message you left on her cell phone. There's people, all sorts of people, people you don't even know coming forward and saying that they hooked up with you, that they had a relationship with you, whatever.
It's being talked about all over. The newspapers, the internet, this is front page news nearly everywhere you turn.
Meanwhile, you've still got to come home every night and try and sort shit out with your lady. You're in the middle of a messy fight, remember? Add all this other stuff on top, and boy, talk about a high pressure situation to resolve an argument/.
So, like I said, I think I feel bad for the guy. I know he's a multimillionaire, that he's famous, and this is the life he chose for himself, but still. Nobody really deserves that kind of pressure and humiliation. So, Tiger Woods, I'm sorry. I hope that you and your wife can sort things out, and that better things are ahead.
Whaddya think couchers, you feeling bad for Mr. Woods and his wife?
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
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Surviving Thanksgiving
Ohh boy. I can't wait. Thanksgiving is hands down one of the best days of the Calendar year. What's not to love? Gorging yourself along side friends and relatives, collapsing into a post meal stupor, watching the Detroit Lions get killed? It's got everything, I tells ya.
However, in order to properly enjoy Thanksgiving, you've got to prepare. You can't just rush into it, lest you end up too full to finish that third helping of mashed potatoes. No, no. Thanksgiving requires practice, patience, and commitment. Some say it's harder than running a marathon. And by some I mean me. I say it's harder than running a marathon.
But never fear, Rizzo is here. Follow my simple steps to ensure yourself that you are able to enjoy all that Thanksgiving has to offer.
1.) Eat a Huge Lunch On Wednesday
Your stomach is a muscle. Wait, what's that? Sorry my producer is telling me it's not a muscle, it's an organ. Fuck that. This is my post, and I say that the stomach is a muscle. Anyway like any muscle, your stomach has to be trained. It has got to be pumped up to do what you want it to do. Fortunately, training your stomach is a lot more enjoyable that weightlifting.
It's simple. On Wednesday afternoon it is essential that you eat an absolutely enormous lunch. Doesn't matter what it is, just put enough stuff in your belly that goes well beyond your normal limits. This will stretch the walls of your stomach, making it larger. That way, when it comes to do the Thanksgiving deed, you won't crap out in the middle of your second helping.
2.) Begin fasting
After your enormous lunch, you're done till Thanksgiving dinner. Nothing goes in. I don't care if is only one Ritz cracker, it's not going down your gullet. Seem a little cruel? Whatever. You know what they say, "no pain, no gain". You'll thank me when you have room for another bite of stuffing.
3.) Wear Loose Fitting Pants
No fucking skinny jeans here, pal. Anything with an unforgiving waistband will cause unnecessary strain on your stomach. He's got a big day ahead of him, and you've got to make sure he's taken care of. Your stomach needs it's space and it's your job to give it to him. I usually opt for a nice pair of sweatpants. They can double as a great napkin!
4.) Take a Gratuitous Nap
On Thanksgiving Day, I usually opt for a nice long mid-afternoon nap. This is like killing several birds with one lazy-ass stone.
First, you make sure you are well rested. Your stomach, like any athlete, functions best when you are well rested. A nap guarantees that he'll be ready to go come game time.
Second, nothing gets my appetite up like a nap. Plus, if you've followed all steps accurately, you haven't eaten anything for 24 hours. You should wake up craving a small horse.
Finally, a nap helps quickly pass those pesky pre-meal hours. There will be no awkward socializing with distant relatives for you. No, no, you will be fast asleep, dreaming away the hours with cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie.
5.) There Is No Such Thing As Too Much Gravy
It's mealtime. I'll say it again, there is no such thing as too much gravy. Put it on your turkey, on your potatoes, on your stuffing. Hell, just take that bowl and drink it straight. Who cares about your cholesterol level? It's the holidays, live a little!
6.) Always Save Room For 2 Pieces of Pumpkin Pie
No matter how hard you go, it's important that you leave room for dessert. That doesn't mean you have to pussy-foot your way through dinner. It just means that you need to be mindful of the fact that no matter how full you are, you still have to stuff your face with two pieces of pie. Just pray that you've trained hard enough, because this is the final sprint.
Once you get 'em down, take a satisfied sigh. Congratulations, You made it! Your prize? A two hour session on the toilet. Make sure you've got something good to read.
So there you have it. Good luck, and happy thanksgiving!
