Monday, 16 November 2009

• I F**king Hate Skinny Jeans

   
  

  
  I'm not what you would call a "fashionable guy."  In fact, if I manage to change my shirt once every three days that's a banner fashion week in the Rizzo household. 
  
  That being said, I'm not totally oblivious to the world of the chic.  I know that a nice button down shirt is probably better to wear out on a Friday night then my usual nacho cheese-stained t-shirt.  I'm O.K. with that.  I have come to grips with the fact that the fashion world has long since passed me by.  But every once and a while a trend strikes me as so foul that I need to take a stand.  I have already done it once with capri pants, now it's time for skinny jeans.
  
  Fuck you, skinny jeans.
  
  DISCLAIMER:  This post only applies to men wearing skinny jeans.  Ladies, you keep doin' what you're doin'. 
  
  Got it?  Good.  Here goes.
  
  Oh skinny jeans, how I loathe thee.  Let me count the ways.
  
  1.)  How In Christ's Name Do You Put Them On?
  
  Let's start at the beginning.  How do you get these pants on?  Seriously.  I have let myself go a little bit since my High School days, and I struggle sometimes to get into my loose-fitting Levi's.  I can't imagine the hopping-on-one-foot and the cursing that would accompany trying to squeeze myself into a pair of pants I could've worn when I was seven.  
  
  What do you do, go out and buy a relatively tight fitting pair of jeans and then go soak yourself in a bathtub for three days until they've practically welded themselves to your legs?  Perhaps a better question, how in Christ's name do you get them off?
  
  2.) Skinny Jeans are Often Accompanied By a Studded Belt of Some Kind.
  
  So, we've already established that skinny jeans are freakishly tight.  So, tell me Emo McEmosen, what gives with the belt?  According to Webster's dictionary, and I'm paraphrasing here, a belt is used for holding your pants up, or beating your assorted children without mercy.  That nice studded thing 'round your waist is doing neither of those things. 
  
  In fact, the other days I saw a kid wearing a pair of skinny jeans sagged halfway down his ass, AND he was wearing a belt.  Listen pal, make a decision here, pants up or pants down.  Your flip-flopping is just killing me inside. 
  
  3.) Most People Who Wear Skinny Jeans are Insufferable Douchebags
  
  I'm sorry to offend the three of you skinny-jeaned readers who are not pricks.  The rest of you, go fuck yourselves.  I interviewed for a job at a coffee shop today, and the guy conducting the interview was wearing skinny jeans, canvas shoes, and a slightly ironic too-small sweater. 
  
  Yikes.  He called me "brother" for the duration of the interview.  And not in a cool, Hulk Hogan way.  No, I'm talking completely affected hipster bullshit.  Over the course of the interview he managed to diss my hometown,  make a bad thinly-veiled sex joke, and revealed that he had been making extra-dry no-foam cap's for the last 8 years.  Needless to say, I am not going to accept that job.
  
  4.)  What Happens if You Pop Wood?
  
  This last one was really the impetus for this post.  I am a man.  When I am out and about in the world, sometimes I see something, or think something that gets me a little antsy in my pantsy.  In my comfortably loose-fitting jeans, I am able to disguise this pretty easily.  In skinny jeans, what do you do?  It leaves absolutely nothing up the imagination.  The best remedy I can think would be tying your ripped Hot Topic sweatshirt across your waist, but then everyone will just think you pissed yourself.  So um, good luck with that.
  
  So, Couchketeers, I put it to you.  Do you wear skinny jeans?  What is wrong with you?
  
  

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